You Aren't Getting Any...

Sex!

The other night I watched the movie, Extract. (You can keep reading. I promise I won't give away the story by what I'm about to say.) Justin Bateman's character knows that if his wife has already changed into her grey, drawstring sweatpants by the time he gets home from work, then there is no chance of any bedroom action. No any-room action.

It was a hilarious scene because it was a relatable scenario. It got me thinking. What have I done, what round-about comments have I made, to ensure that my partner understood that I was off-limits? What signs or cues have I received or in what situations have I found myself, which made me realize I wasn't getting lucky that day? Better yet, what have I - or my partner - done to turn-off the other...to make certain that the urge that was there a minute ago is a distant memory.

In almost every relationship I've been in, I know that if there is a football game on the tube, I'm out of luck. Really, Sundays and Monday nights may as well be designated non-sex nights during football season.

Also, if someone I'm seeing is gassy, has farting bouts, it isn't only sex that is out of the question. Please, don't even get near me. Although he might not intentionally be trying to turn me off, you can be assured that I am.

For me, here are some things that have worked in the past:

1. He might have his football games to rely on, but I have The Food Network. Once it's on, count me out from being under the sheets.

2. "Honey, the next time you go to the store, can you pick up a deodorant for me? I've been out for a few days."

3. "It's winter time. You know how cold I get. I think I'm going to let my hair grow.
No, silly, the hair on my legs."

4. "Yes, I wore this sweatpant/t-shirt combo yesterday. Then I slept in it. And when I woke up, I thought, "why change...I'm already dressed."

5. Leave the box of tampons in an obvious place.

6. "Babe, my MOTHER... Insert anything you want here. By this point, you're already tuned out and your partner is turned off.

Feel free to use any or all of them when appropriate.

All that being said, when you are in the mood, HAPPY ROMPING!